Oh Justine Marie...

Sometimes I don’t understand, and I can’t comprehend, and I don’t know what to say or how I should act, because it’s all different now. I’ve made a lot of dumb choices, and sometimes I think I would take it all back and do everything over again.
I miss my dad, and no one seems to know that pain. To know that the only person to ever care, the only person I ever wanted to be proud of me, to listen, to be happy took their life and I couldn’t do anything about it.
But in some ways I feel better, I learn that not everything is forever so you better appreciate it while you can, because I didn’t. I didn’t ever appreciate the only person who loved me like that and cared that much, and I wasn’t there enough.
Everyone says that it’s not my fault, and I understand that. But I don’t think that means I couldn’t have made a difference, because I knew I could have.
And never, ever again am I going to take someone like that for granted, because I would do anything to have something like that for one more day.

Would’ve done anything for anyone, and I want to do the same. But it seems like nobody cares or can even show the tiniest bit of understanding. And when you care about someone and they tell you your problems don’t matter as much as a broken leg, it hurts and now I’m crying and I can’t stop.
The fact that anyone could even compare my dad losing his life to a broken leg is disgusting. He was a better person than you’ll ever hope to be and I want nothing to do with you if you can’t understand that. He’s my everything and he out-shines anyone who would ever dare to stand in the same light.
So fuck you for not caring. Fuck you for disrespecting him. Fuck you for lying to me. Fuck you for using me. Fuck you for playing a game at a time like this. Fuck you for never being there for me when I was always there for you no matter what. Fuck you for making me look so stupid. Fuck you for treating me like some stupid slut. Fuck you for never telling anyone. Fuck you for leaving when there’s problems we have to deal with. Fuck you for making me have to go through this alone after losing my dad. Fuck you John.

Have you ever lost someone close? I’ve lost distant family, I’ve had my heart broken by boys, I’ve been screwed over by the people I care about most….but I’ve never felt anything like this. It’s like I can’t even fully cry because the pain in my chest keeps me from being able to and it’s just just like you’ve been split right down the middle it’s a constant tearing tugging pain. And it’s all the smallest things you remember that hurt the most. And when you need them and start to call them and realize that no one will answer the phone because they’re dead it hurts. Because the only person you ever needed isn’t here and I feel lost. And everyone says to be strong, that I’m the tough one and I have to be tough for my family cause they need me, but I think I’m the most devastated out of all of them

I’ve been waiting far too long to tell you how much I hate you. To tell you that I’m going to leave and never come back. You say I have no reason to hate you, but after the past 5 years, you had it coming. So here it is,

Dear mom,
I think you are scum. I fucking hate you. I don’t think there will ever, ever be anyway for you to make it up to me. I will never forgive you, I will never call you to say happy birthday or merry Christmas. I will never tell you how my life is going. I will never look at you the same again. I think you are a terrible fucking human being, and for that, you deserve your husband. I hope you two can be happy with your miserable fucking lives. You’ve already lost two out of three kids, it’s only a matter of time before the third grows up and leaves you too. You have no respect, no kindness in your heart, not a fleck of compassion. You suck and I have no desire to even think of your existence. I hope you are finally fucking happy mom.

26 minutes until I leave forever. No time for a single goodbye. I know I don’t need this. Everyone knows I don’t need this. But I don’t have a choice.
I haven’t eaten or slept. Im hungry but the thought of food makes me want to throw up. The thought of not speaking to a single friend for at least a month, makes me want to throw up. The thought that I’ll never see my mother again makes me smile.
Test me, I dare you. What will you do? Are you going to hit me again? I dare you to even breath my direction.
In one month I’ll have to start over. Start a new life with new people.
I can’t cry anymore. I’ve run out of tears and I can barely breath.
I’m so hungry, I wish I could eat.
6:38 am. August 10, 2012.

I remember that moment of just our shut down. Where everything stopped mattering.